Fucking Forty 😩

 So it’s happening I’m going to be 40 fucking years old and I can’t bitch. I’m in a different place now. A place that has felt sedentary but it’s slowly deteriorating away from that feeling thank god. I fear remaining stagnant and growing old in my apartment. I should fear not growing old at all but that’s how I am. I still want to party but the other half of me just wants to take hotel trips alone get dressed in my slutty fat bitch middle aged fits and go to a good dinner maybe poolside with some  ambiance. Those were things are good enough for me now matter fact they bring me peace. I haven't blogged in 5yrs a lot has happened. I tried a relationship that pickled my heart. I almost died of Covid but Cane never brought me to the light. I became an expert in my field, making as much $$$$$$ as I could w no education. Now I’m starting from scratch and it’s humbling but I don’t care. I also do not own a Lexus hybrid anymore, instead own and almost 18yr old Saab and I’m ok with this for the time being as long as it is allowed. After so many accidents only one being my fault because of sickness. I felt like I can’t catch a break and the universe has continued to serve me one thing after another. Incredible heartbreak, loss and absolute fear has been the theme of these last 2 years and I refuse to have anymore even if that means walking away from love, dreams and things I always wanted for myself. I feel like I can’t envision any new versions of those things for myself at this time and that brings tears to my eyes because there are good things in my life, good people but the light of change is slowly coming in dragging its ass. I wish I could tell those that love me how much their patience has meant to me. I don’t even know what else to say out of all the shit I have dealt with but for some reason I’m still here and so are you which is cause for celebration daily. To live in gratitude is my truth and I’d like to live in that feeling again as I once did because everyone deserves to content in their lives. Music Art and Fashion still rule my world but it’s forever shifting and I know I could still be a great photo g/artis but when? I hope to still grow and remain teachable in all these areas as well as life. Cheers to my birthday month and hoping to not once again feel like a complete inconvenience to everyone.