Trauma

When I was 13  the biggest trauma I've ever experienced in my life happened. My mother was shot by her husband at our house in the garage while me and my siblings were inside. Now me being the middle child I saw my 2 siblings out of control i tried to be calm and call 911 but the truth was that I had no idea who was shot we just knew someone was shot by the sound of it. I made a phone call to 911, the operator was so cold and demanded I go outside to see what had happened I begged her not to make me but she insisted. I went out to the garage and there my mother lay in a giant pool of her own blood but still totally alert and oriented, directing me in a monotone voice "get me water" that scared to holy living fuck out of me. I ran inside got her water I came back out to the neighbor sticking her finger in her bullet hole to stop the bleeding. I ran up to the front yard realizing my mothers husband laid on the grass and shot himself in the mouth (killing himself). By this time I had ended up w some neighbor friends at their house crying but mostly angry. I ended up staying at an aunts house that night w whom I stayed w while mom was in the hospital. I remember waking up on the floor in the middle of the night panicked and thinking to myself "had it all been a dream" but no that was the first night of the beginning of anxiety and many sleepless nights there after especially into adulthood. Needless to say that although Ive never experienced clinical depression again as I did when I was a under the age of 11 but ever since then it seems that especially into adulthood all I've ever done is wait for the next trauma to hit my life. Especially in relationships, I have huge trust and abandonment issues. My fear of instability shakes me to the core and paralyzes my every move in the game of life. My mother survived but stayed paralyzed from the chest down only being able to move her arms not her hands. She is amazing and the toughest female I've ever known. I don't hate that man that did this im just mad at the situation, the unfairness and the struggles it caused my siblings and my mother. I write about this today because I've told this story a fair amount of times and never cry when doing so but whoever im telling it to does. Tonight I write about this because I was on my way to sleep and started to think as I usually do before bed 😖 when I had this horrific memory cross my mind I began to cry but in a different way than I ever have. I couldn't stop I couldn't help myself but it was the first time I ever allowed myself to feel it so deep and instead of anger over it I felt sadness. I allowed it for the first time in my life. I could cry and get emotional about a bunch of shit but this I've never allowed myself to even go there but tonight i have and I feel like a really deep wound was opened but in a good way. Facing my fears and why they are or even exist is important for me to acknowledge in order to experience some growth as an adult. After all this is part of what we do at my place of work we help our clients reach a point of realization and clarity through writing autobiographies, goodbye letters and letters to their inner child ect. I see a lot of them grow and gain a sense of control in their lives. Writing this out tonight has been a huge step for me towards facing other struggles in my life that are directly related to this. I no longer will allow myself to be a victim/slave to fear. Enough time has been wasted. I now wish to grow.