Forever fam

It's been a minute since I've blogged but recently life's become a dark unstable roller coaster. Having to place my 50something mother in a rest home broke my heart into a trillion pieces. My family also sits in a billion pieces at this time. I love my family and I hate see them hurt or go through it. My sister on the other hand needs to live her life but at these same time you can't just decide to quit being a mother one day. This whole situation has just lit a fire under my ass to try to get ahead and create stability and happiness not just for myself but for others if possible. Happy birthday to my amazing Holli I love you and it's an honor to share birthdays together.

Dia De Los Muertos

Today is Dia De Los Muertos. I see it as  highly celebrated here in Cali more like a 2nd Halloween/carnival type day. Anyway  I guess I've been weirdly reminded that my dad hasn't been with me for almost 23 yrs now and I got to thinking about the relationship I had as a baby girl w him and the one that I have with him today. Yes, I have a relationship w him today I talk to him often. As of about 6 months now i wanted to connect with him and started having conversations in my head with him. Believe me it's the best thing I've done for myself. At first it was just me carrying conversation then shortly after It started happening. Butterflies or mainly one butterfly always coming out of no where flying into my face calling for my attention. I understand that maybe I sound off but I've always been able to feel things even as a young girl, energies other people's energies. This is like that but it's a different energy, very low key energy but once you realize it, it's pleasantly strong. Birds flying into me in a playful manner. It took me a while to except it so I test him asking if its him to show me the butterfly or give me a sign and he does. Honestly it's made me a happier person to be able to connect w my dad. That being said I wanted to say that my dad died when I was 10. He was a heroin addict and was for some years and for the last 2yrs of his life he wasn't in mine, But before that he lived across the street from us and always made time to see us kids even if it was a weird random hour. Him and I had a special connection. I didn't see him as a druggie I knew more less what he did but first and foremost he was my magic dad my adventure buddy who would take me either in a nice forgein car or a beach cruiser around the town buying me a roast beef sandwich, tacos or dehydrated shrimps w hot sauce. He would take me to downtown LA and we would eat at Cliftons, these outing  usually happened late at night. We would have conversations about the stars, music and all the things he aspired to accomplish. My dad was a big time dreamer and lover of life. I didn't see him as an addict I saw him as a very creative loving man and I somehow had kind of eased my way into his world where very few got to visit. I don't think many knew him as I did and that's mainly because our relationship was unique because I was a little girl version of him. He was an artist, a mechanic, an entrepreneur and very cool social butterfly. I love my dad and miss him very much but I know he is free from addiction wherever he is and loves us still. 

Hear me out

It's said that taking care of your mother or father (parent) is the right thing to do, but in this day and age it's so difficult to try to maintain your own life and another's unless you put your world on the back burner. Having to tell my mother not once but several times that my sister cannot take care of her and neither can I is so fucken cold it tares me apart inside but it's real. We all have the right to a life and no matter how long we have taken care of my mother it all gets washed away the day we can't do it anymore. This is a disgusting situation and no one wins. If my mom stays my sister continues not living a life as she has for the last 14yrs. If my mom goes she will be terrified and never forgive us and surely not want to exist anymore as I'm sure she already does feeling like a burden. I have zero good solutions for this. I've tried to work with my mom but she is in denial over my sister being burned out from being her caregiver but it's real and enough is enough. I pray for a peaceful solution but I fear the worst I just want both to have their own chance at peace. 

On the real no lie...

Life has kind of become ugly and very scary at this point for me. Hoping for the best is an understatement when all you wanna do is survive and being okay would be a luxury at this point. Never the less I'm good. Ain't nobody dying or homeless (yet). It's very sad when people feel that your suffering or state of panic will be healthy for you and they believe they have the right to impose that on you. Karma is real and god knows where my intentions are at all times tho. I'm moving forward regardless to a positive light and I'm not ashamed of who I am. Even juicy delicious apples have bruises or damage at times. 

 

My magic hour

Now in my 30's I realize I'm gonna have to except the fact that I'm gonna b a basic bitch wanna b photog forever since I never was Able to pay for school or intern full time my 20s flew by working and hustling. Now I'm working at a crazy house starting over again relationship wise so this is difficult but not as difficult as when I hear the story of others. My life sounds like a walk in the park compared to most. Wish I could have continued climbing up towards my goals of working in an artistic line of wrk photographer/creative director/stylist but god has had different plans for me. Honestly though I can say if I died today i would feel accomplished and happy especially for kind of being solo growing up as well as a high school drop out. Life isn't bad at all I have love. Love can come and go but when you have the kind of love I have right now, not much else matters. All I ever wanted was to be loved %100 to the fullest. I waited I even at one point told myself in my previous 14yr relationship that it was ok to not be loved on or made to feel amazing & that I should just be glad to have someone that I LOVED to share life with even though I didn't feel the love back. Still I'm okay and in love now. I say OKAY because these days for anyone to be okay it's as good as great. I have dark days and days in color. Leaving behind certain things scares me still till this day but its a slow process. I wish so many things for others. Back to my photography, I hope to make more amazing images happen. I love it so much nothing has ever made me so sure of who I am. My hope for life is that my past will make peace with my present and nurture my future so that I may thrive w my love and creativity.

SOME OF MY FAVE IMAGES

My better late then never 2013 xmas list

So lately I'm finding the small things I used to enjoy doing all over again before I rearranged my lil world about a year ago and I remembered today that I still have this blog and I actually enjoy doing this lil fantasy Christmas list. It's fun and never would I expect anyone to get me any of this shit, but it's nice to dream and do lil therapeutic things for myself like this these days. BTW I will be blogging more often so please follow.

these will make my ass sprint!

I will try my darndest to be as cute as she is tho!

you know I live for furnitore

love this woody allen portrait

 need these nnikes in my life!

 sushi! always a great gift

 yes buy me a burrito

love this art piece

I need a cutting board