Trauma

When I was 13  the biggest trauma I've ever experienced in my life happened. My mother was shot by her husband at our house in the garage while me and my siblings were inside. Now me being the middle child I saw my 2 siblings out of control i tried to be calm and call 911 but the truth was that I had no idea who was shot we just knew someone was shot by the sound of it. I made a phone call to 911, the operator was so cold and demanded I go outside to see what had happened I begged her not to make me but she insisted. I went out to the garage and there my mother lay in a giant pool of her own blood but still totally alert and oriented, directing me in a monotone voice "get me water" that scared to holy living fuck out of me. I ran inside got her water I came back out to the neighbor sticking her finger in her bullet hole to stop the bleeding. I ran up to the front yard realizing my mothers husband laid on the grass and shot himself in the mouth (killing himself). By this time I had ended up w some neighbor friends at their house crying but mostly angry. I ended up staying at an aunts house that night w whom I stayed w while mom was in the hospital. I remember waking up on the floor in the middle of the night panicked and thinking to myself "had it all been a dream" but no that was the first night of the beginning of anxiety and many sleepless nights there after especially into adulthood. Needless to say that although Ive never experienced clinical depression again as I did when I was a under the age of 11 but ever since then it seems that especially into adulthood all I've ever done is wait for the next trauma to hit my life. Especially in relationships, I have huge trust and abandonment issues. My fear of instability shakes me to the core and paralyzes my every move in the game of life. My mother survived but stayed paralyzed from the chest down only being able to move her arms not her hands. She is amazing and the toughest female I've ever known. I don't hate that man that did this im just mad at the situation, the unfairness and the struggles it caused my siblings and my mother. I write about this today because I've told this story a fair amount of times and never cry when doing so but whoever im telling it to does. Tonight I write about this because I was on my way to sleep and started to think as I usually do before bed 😖 when I had this horrific memory cross my mind I began to cry but in a different way than I ever have. I couldn't stop I couldn't help myself but it was the first time I ever allowed myself to feel it so deep and instead of anger over it I felt sadness. I allowed it for the first time in my life. I could cry and get emotional about a bunch of shit but this I've never allowed myself to even go there but tonight i have and I feel like a really deep wound was opened but in a good way. Facing my fears and why they are or even exist is important for me to acknowledge in order to experience some growth as an adult. After all this is part of what we do at my place of work we help our clients reach a point of realization and clarity through writing autobiographies, goodbye letters and letters to their inner child ect. I see a lot of them grow and gain a sense of control in their lives. Writing this out tonight has been a huge step for me towards facing other struggles in my life that are directly related to this. I no longer will allow myself to be a victim/slave to fear. Enough time has been wasted. I now wish to grow. 

Merry Wishmast list

And repeat daily

If

If I had a blog post for every time I felt like this I might have sponsors by now. so empty, I wish I could figure out what's wrong with me, as I could see what's wrong with others. The thing is the problem is me. In life there are choices to make I've made mine and I'm the one responsible for the outcome owning that is so hard. It's almost like saying yes I am an adult fuck up. 

Forever fam

It's been a minute since I've blogged but recently life's become a dark unstable roller coaster. Having to place my 50something mother in a rest home broke my heart into a trillion pieces. My family also sits in a billion pieces at this time. I love my family and I hate see them hurt or go through it. My sister on the other hand needs to live her life but at these same time you can't just decide to quit being a mother one day. This whole situation has just lit a fire under my ass to try to get ahead and create stability and happiness not just for myself but for others if possible. Happy birthday to my amazing Holli I love you and it's an honor to share birthdays together.

Dia De Los Muertos

Today is Dia De Los Muertos. I see it as  highly celebrated here in Cali more like a 2nd Halloween/carnival type day. Anyway  I guess I've been weirdly reminded that my dad hasn't been with me for almost 23 yrs now and I got to thinking about the relationship I had as a baby girl w him and the one that I have with him today. Yes, I have a relationship w him today I talk to him often. As of about 6 months now i wanted to connect with him and started having conversations in my head with him. Believe me it's the best thing I've done for myself. At first it was just me carrying conversation then shortly after It started happening. Butterflies or mainly one butterfly always coming out of no where flying into my face calling for my attention. I understand that maybe I sound off but I've always been able to feel things even as a young girl, energies other people's energies. This is like that but it's a different energy, very low key energy but once you realize it, it's pleasantly strong. Birds flying into me in a playful manner. It took me a while to except it so I test him asking if its him to show me the butterfly or give me a sign and he does. Honestly it's made me a happier person to be able to connect w my dad. That being said I wanted to say that my dad died when I was 10. He was a heroin addict and was for some years and for the last 2yrs of his life he wasn't in mine, But before that he lived across the street from us and always made time to see us kids even if it was a weird random hour. Him and I had a special connection. I didn't see him as a druggie I knew more less what he did but first and foremost he was my magic dad my adventure buddy who would take me either in a nice forgein car or a beach cruiser around the town buying me a roast beef sandwich, tacos or dehydrated shrimps w hot sauce. He would take me to downtown LA and we would eat at Cliftons, these outing  usually happened late at night. We would have conversations about the stars, music and all the things he aspired to accomplish. My dad was a big time dreamer and lover of life. I didn't see him as an addict I saw him as a very creative loving man and I somehow had kind of eased my way into his world where very few got to visit. I don't think many knew him as I did and that's mainly because our relationship was unique because I was a little girl version of him. He was an artist, a mechanic, an entrepreneur and very cool social butterfly. I love my dad and miss him very much but I know he is free from addiction wherever he is and loves us still. 

Hear me out

It's said that taking care of your mother or father (parent) is the right thing to do, but in this day and age it's so difficult to try to maintain your own life and another's unless you put your world on the back burner. Having to tell my mother not once but several times that my sister cannot take care of her and neither can I is so fucken cold it tares me apart inside but it's real. We all have the right to a life and no matter how long we have taken care of my mother it all gets washed away the day we can't do it anymore. This is a disgusting situation and no one wins. If my mom stays my sister continues not living a life as she has for the last 14yrs. If my mom goes she will be terrified and never forgive us and surely not want to exist anymore as I'm sure she already does feeling like a burden. I have zero good solutions for this. I've tried to work with my mom but she is in denial over my sister being burned out from being her caregiver but it's real and enough is enough. I pray for a peaceful solution but I fear the worst I just want both to have their own chance at peace.