Fucking Forty 😩

 So it’s happening I’m going to be 40 fucking years old and I can’t bitch. I’m in a different place now. A place that has felt sedentary but it’s slowly deteriorating away from that feeling thank god. I fear remaining stagnant and growing old in my apartment. I should fear not growing old at all but that’s how I am. I still want to party but the other half of me just wants to take hotel trips alone get dressed in my slutty fat bitch middle aged fits and go to a good dinner maybe poolside with some  ambiance. Those were things are good enough for me now matter fact they bring me peace. I haven't blogged in 5yrs a lot has happened. I tried a relationship that pickled my heart. I almost died of Covid but Cane never brought me to the light. I became an expert in my field, making as much $$$$$$ as I could w no education. Now I’m starting from scratch and it’s humbling but I don’t care. I also do not own a Lexus hybrid anymore, instead own and almost 18yr old Saab and I’m ok with this for the time being as long as it is allowed. After so many accidents only one being my fault because of sickness. I felt like I can’t catch a break and the universe has continued to serve me one thing after another. Incredible heartbreak, loss and absolute fear has been the theme of these last 2 years and I refuse to have anymore even if that means walking away from love, dreams and things I always wanted for myself. I feel like I can’t envision any new versions of those things for myself at this time and that brings tears to my eyes because there are good things in my life, good people but the light of change is slowly coming in dragging its ass. I wish I could tell those that love me how much their patience has meant to me. I don’t even know what else to say out of all the shit I have dealt with but for some reason I’m still here and so are you which is cause for celebration daily. To live in gratitude is my truth and I’d like to live in that feeling again as I once did because everyone deserves to content in their lives. Music Art and Fashion still rule my world but it’s forever shifting and I know I could still be a great photo g/artis but when? I hope to still grow and remain teachable in all these areas as well as life. Cheers to my birthday month and hoping to not once again feel like a complete inconvenience to everyone.

What is life

 Finding myself to be that angry person underneath it all once again is quite disturbing. I thought that I was passed that part of my life I thought that I was more peaceful than that I thought that I had moved on I had a grown  I had learned I was enlightened. What a bunch of bullshit to tell myself there are many things that I excepted understand that I cannot change  about myself but being angry is not one of them I refuse to except that I think I’ll fight to learn a different way to be until the day I die that is my fatal flaw and I am aware of that but sometimes it gets so difficult because one must not subject others to that part of themselves. Finding new ways to cope finding healthy ways to be  Learning healthy new habits gaining healthy relationships that is lifes challenge and I’m here for it but there’s always this part of summer where I end up alone and it’s for the best it’s no one else’s fault but my own but I refuse to subject others to the Darkside of me which is why I’m just that only me no children no partner no one that has to be in my presence subjected to me .  I think within a whole year what I have failed to realize is that this is the gift learning to be with just me without freaking out not crying and join me the good the bad the ugly the happy the dark the bad habits the positive ways all of it.

Summer

 Summer 2017 was a little bit of everything I think ive already said this once or twice but it's had to be the best worst summer of my life all wrapped into one either way it forced me to grow a whole fucking bunch I cried I laughed I loved I smiled  I yelled I jogged I shagged I think more than I ever have in any summer of my life anyway this is a little recap of my summer   In Photos enjoy by the way I still have no respect for grammar and I know I'm the ultimate piece of shit for that oh well I made it to fall so fuck off 🔮

Trauma

When I was 13  the biggest trauma I've ever experienced in my life happened. My mother was shot by her husband at our house in the garage while me and my siblings were inside. Now me being the middle child I saw my 2 siblings out of control i tried to be calm and call 911 but the truth was that I had no idea who was shot we just knew someone was shot by the sound of it. I made a phone call to 911, the operator was so cold and demanded I go outside to see what had happened I begged her not to make me but she insisted. I went out to the garage and there my mother lay in a giant pool of her own blood but still totally alert and oriented, directing me in a monotone voice "get me water" that scared to holy living fuck out of me. I ran inside got her water I came back out to the neighbor sticking her finger in her bullet hole to stop the bleeding. I ran up to the front yard realizing my mothers husband laid on the grass and shot himself in the mouth (killing himself). By this time I had ended up w some neighbor friends at their house crying but mostly angry. I ended up staying at an aunts house that night w whom I stayed w while mom was in the hospital. I remember waking up on the floor in the middle of the night panicked and thinking to myself "had it all been a dream" but no that was the first night of the beginning of anxiety and many sleepless nights there after especially into adulthood. Needless to say that although Ive never experienced clinical depression again as I did when I was a under the age of 11 but ever since then it seems that especially into adulthood all I've ever done is wait for the next trauma to hit my life. Especially in relationships, I have huge trust and abandonment issues. My fear of instability shakes me to the core and paralyzes my every move in the game of life. My mother survived but stayed paralyzed from the chest down only being able to move her arms not her hands. She is amazing and the toughest female I've ever known. I don't hate that man that did this im just mad at the situation, the unfairness and the struggles it caused my siblings and my mother. I write about this today because I've told this story a fair amount of times and never cry when doing so but whoever im telling it to does. Tonight I write about this because I was on my way to sleep and started to think as I usually do before bed 😖 when I had this horrific memory cross my mind I began to cry but in a different way than I ever have. I couldn't stop I couldn't help myself but it was the first time I ever allowed myself to feel it so deep and instead of anger over it I felt sadness. I allowed it for the first time in my life. I could cry and get emotional about a bunch of shit but this I've never allowed myself to even go there but tonight i have and I feel like a really deep wound was opened but in a good way. Facing my fears and why they are or even exist is important for me to acknowledge in order to experience some growth as an adult. After all this is part of what we do at my place of work we help our clients reach a point of realization and clarity through writing autobiographies, goodbye letters and letters to their inner child ect. I see a lot of them grow and gain a sense of control in their lives. Writing this out tonight has been a huge step for me towards facing other struggles in my life that are directly related to this. I no longer will allow myself to be a victim/slave to fear. Enough time has been wasted. I now wish to grow. 

Merry Wishmast list